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MASH QUOTES!
Colonel Flagg: Nobody leaves till I do and I never do!
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Charles: Get me
Radar: What, on the radio?
Charles: No, open the door and yell.
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Hawkeye: What a unique device, the human tush. An architectural wonder, one of a kind... actually two of a kind. Designed to support our weight for a lifetime of sitting it also has the subtlety to do the samba. And when attached to certain members of the female species at a time when light summer dresses are worn can cause some of us to drive our cars straight up a lamppost.
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[Reading a letter that Hawkeye threatens to send to Frank Burns' wife.]
Radar: Dear Mrs. Burns, I regret to inform that your husband has been seen out of uniform, and maybe you would like to know with who.
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Henry Blake: Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war and rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is doctors can't change rule number one.
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Dr. Sidney Freedman: Ladies and gentlemen take my advice, pull down you pants and slide on the ice.
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[Col. Potter bids farewell to Hawkeye and B.J.]
Col. Potter: Well, boys, it would be hard to call what we've
been through fun, but I'm sure glad we went through it together. You boys
always managed to give me a good laugh, right when I needed it most. Never
forget the time you dropped
[emotionally]
Col. Potter: I was laughin' to beat all Hell!
Hawkeye: Yeah. I'm laughing just thinking about it.
B.J.: I'd LOVE a good laugh like this.
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[Hawkeye and B.J. bid farewell to each other]
Hawkeye: Look, I know how tough it is for you to say goodbye, so I'LL say it. Maybe you're right, maybe we WILL see each other again, but just in case we don't, I want you to know how much you've meant to me. I'll never be able to shake you; whenever I see a pair of big feet or a cheesy mustache, I'll think of you.
B.J.: Whenever I smell month-old socks, I'll think of YOU.
Hawkeye: Or the next time somebody nails my shoe to the floor...
B.J.: ...or when somebody gives me a martini that tastes like lighter fluid.
Hawkeye: I'll miss you.
B.J.: I'll miss YOU. A lot. I can't imagine what this place would've been like if I hadn't found you here!
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Hawkeye: Dear Billy, don't take your love for your brother and turn it into hate. Hate causes wars and war is what killed your brother.
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Col. Potter: You too young to die, Pierce?
Hawkeye: I was hoping to make it to Thursday.
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Frank: Why does everyone take an instant dislike to me?
Trapper: It saves time, Frank.
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Charles: 'Tis better to have loved and lost, then to never... oh, give me a drink.
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[As the surgeons operate on an eight-year-old Korean girl]
Col. Potter: Someone dropped a bomb on her building from an airplane.
Pilot: Who did it?
Hawkeye: He just dropped it. He didn't autograph it.
Pilot: Was it one of theirs or one of ours?
Hawkeye: What difference does it make?
Pilot: A lot. It makes a lot of difference.
Col. Potter: Not to her.
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[After an exhausting shift in the OR]
Col. Potter: By the way, what war is this?
Hawkeye: The latest war to end all wars.
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Hawkeye: I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!
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Frank: It's nice to be nice... to the nice.
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Frank: Funny thing, war: never have so many suffered so much so so few could be so happy.
Hot Lips: We're lucky to be two of the few and not the many.
Frank: I know, darling, and I love being both of us.
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Charles: Klinger, you are a gentleman and a lady.
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Radar: Your permission, sir, to cover up my nakedidity?
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[Dictating a telegram]
Hawkeye: Dear Dad, I am not dead. Stop. Hope you are the same. Stop. Thinking of selling my golf clubs? Stop. Spending my insurance money? Stop!
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Colonel Flagg: My father touched me that way once, to this day he still has to wear orthopedic shirts.
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Radar: Can you get drunk on Grape Nehi?
Hawkeye: I don't know, let's find out.
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[A visiting officer flips out.]
B.J.: He was just as strong as any of us.
Hawkeye: I know. That's what scares me.
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Radar: A lot of guys look up to you! They want to be like you. And when you walk out on a patient it's like you don't care.
Hawkeye: Don't put all that on my shoulders. Every day I
stand in the blood of children and pull them out of a meat grinder and try to
save them if I can, and if I can't do that to your satisfaction then to hell
with you. To hell with your
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Hot Lips: Oh, Frank! You're so above average.
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Hawkeye: It was the least I could do. I always do the least I can do!
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Colonel Flagg: We've got files on people who haven't even been born.
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Colonel Flagg: Have you ever heard of the Malaysian Chest Implosion Torture?
Radar: [intimidated] No.
Colonel Flagg: That's because it hasn't been invented... yet.
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Frank: Spontaneity has its time and its place.
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Radar: I have a message: Lt. Col. Henry Blake's plane was
shot down over the
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Frank: What would have happened in 1776 if our brave
Minutemen soldiers on their way to
Hawkeye: So we would have had independence ten minutes later.
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[Giving advice to Hawkeye]
Father Mulcahy: This isn't one of my sermons! I expect you to listen!
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Hot Lips: [referring to Hawkeye and Hunnicut] Those two are ruining this war... for ALL of us!
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Henry Blake: Did you really yell give me an incubator or give me death?
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Henry Blake: Do we have enough sherry and ginger-ale for the General?"
Radar: Oh, nobody does sir.
Henry Blake: Oh, fine then, if nobody does we don't have too but make sure we do just in case we don't.
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Charles: One does not wax philosophical when one is about to
be sent to
[pause]
Charles: My God, that's in
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Hawkeye: The army, in its infinite wisdom has not only
cleared Frank of all charges, they have assigned him to a veterans' hospital in
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Charles: What is that odor?
Radar: Uh, north wind, cesspool, east wind, latrine.
Charles: The wind is from the south.
Radar: Oh, that's the kitchen.
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Hawkeye: No wonder they execute people at dawn. Who wants to
live at
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[To Margaret]
Hawkeye: Did anyone ever tell you, you have the voice of a songbird slowly drowning in tar?
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Radar: [Takes a drink of Hawkeye's home-made gin, and grimaces.] I thought this stuff was supposed to make you feel good.
B.J.: No; it's supposed to make you feel nothing.
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Hot Lips: I'm not as think as you drunk I am . . .
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[About Hawkeye and BJ]
Col. Potter: Please excuse these two, they're themselves today.
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Dr. Sidney Freedman: I haven't washed my hands since I became a psychiatrist.
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Colonel Flagg: I could kill you with one finger.
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Hawkeye: Insanity is just a state of mind
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[Talking about Hawkeye]
Charles: Why this constant preoccupation with sex?
B.J.: Lack of occupation with sex.
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Col. Potter: Where's your gun?
Hawkeye: Sulking under my cot. We're not at speaking terms.
Col. Potter: Go kiss it and make up. You're taking it with you.
Hawkeye: Colonel, if I touch that gun, I'll trigger another argument.
Col. Potter: Pierce, You're taking your sidearm!
Hawkeye: [Holding up each arm in turn] Correct, I'm taking along my right side arm and my left side arm.
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Hawkeye: How 'bout a little kiss for the road?
Hot Lips: Oh, don't be ridiculous!
Hawkeye: Then how 'bout one for me?
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Hawkeye: If I said the word "sleep" three times to you, I'd put you right under.
Col. Potter: Not A chance.
Hawkeye: Oh yeah? Watch this. Sleep. Sleeeeeeep. Sleep.
[He falls asleep]
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Hawkeye: I believe my like is about to pass before my eyes.
Col. Potter: Let me know when it does. I love a parade.
Hawkeye: Even short ones?
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[Klinger goes hang-gliding past in a housecoat and slippers]
Hawkeye: Did you see that?
Nurse: What?
Hawkeye: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
Trapper: Hawkeye, did you see that?
Hawkeye: What did you see?
Trapper: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet!
Hawkeye: [To the nurse] See?
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[Both drunk, under fire, in a foxhole]
Col. Potter: I said fire that weapon!
Hawkeye: All right.
[To the gun]
Hawkeye: You're fired.
[To Potter]
Hawkeye: I did it as gently as I could.
Col. Potter: That was an order, Pierce.
Hawkeye: [Snapping his fingers] Oh waiter, would you take this man's order, please?
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Henry Blake: You're always wrong Frank. That's what's so right about you.
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[looking at Klinger]
Frank: What's he doing in here?
Hawkeye: Sharing our tent.
Frank: Not on your nelly! Won't catch me sleeping with an enlisted men.
Hawkeye: Frank...just wrap yourself in a flag and go to sleep.
Trapper: And don't get in bed with that gun...that's an order.
Frank: A Captain can't give a Major an order!
Hawkeye: Then it's a threat.
[Short pause]
Frank: Oh that's different...it was a great war until you guys showed up.
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Col. Potter: The General answers his own phone. Must be a Unitarian.
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Hawkeye: I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions!"
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[about his uncle]
Corporal Klinger: He'd kill for me! He'd kill for you! For , he'd kill for anyone!
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[Hawkeye, Trapper, Burns, and Hot Lips are meeting several Majors]
Hot Lips: Major, Major Houlihan.
Major: Major Houlihan. Major Burns.
Frank: Major. Major.
Hawkeye: Major Pierce. Well, I think we've made a "major" breakthrough.
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Hot Lips: They're mocking my Majority.
Hawkeye: Well, what do you know? We're "major" mockers!
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Frank: The last thing I'm going to give you ghouls is any of my blood!
Hawkeye: [to Trapper] Ghouls? What a nice thing to call us vampires.
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Hawkeye: You're out of uniform soldier!
Nurse: Where?
Hawkeye: How about my place in ten minutes?
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[On his morale]
Frank: I love it here.
Col. Potter: Either you or Klinger is nuts. Now I have to decide which one.
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Henry Blake: Will you stop saying what I'm thinking?
Radar: Well someone has to.
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Hawkeye: Frank, you are 10 of the most boring people I know.
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Hawkeye: I thought he was dead.
Trapper: He got better.
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[South Koreans are being taught to speak English]
Frank: We're making real progress.
Hawkeye: I can tell. You have a Korean accent.
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[Charles notices Hawkeye didn't put anything from Frank into the camp's time capsule]
Hawkeye: Well, I was going to leave his scalpel, but I didn't want to include any deadly weapons.
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Hot Lips: Act like a man you sniveling twerp.
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PA System: Due To circumstances beyond our control, lunch will be served today.
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[PA Announcement after 3 weeks without wounded]
PA System: Attention all personnel !
Due to a lack of casualties, today's
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Col. Potter: Would you rather have Burns?
Hawkeye: He was more fun to be cruel to.
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Radar: My own father didn't have me until he was 63, and the first time we played peek-a-boo together he had a stroke.
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Hawkeye: War isn't Hell. War is war, and Hell is Hell. And of the two, war is a lot worse.
Father Mulcahy: Why do you say that, Hawkeye?
Hawkeye: Simple, Father. Tell me, who goes to Hell?
Father Mulcahy: Sinners, I believe.
Hawkeye: Exactly. There are no innocent bystanders in Hell. War is full of them.
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Dr. Sidney Freedman: [to Klinger] You're a tribute to man's endurance. A monument to hope in size 12 pumps. I hope you do get out someday. There would be a battalion of men in hoop skirts right behind you.
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Hawkeye: If you act drunk long enough, you get a REAL hangover.
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[Choppers approach]
Hawkeye: [sighs] Wounded.
B.J.: Klinger says a lot.
Hawkeye: They'll never stop coming, you know. Trapper left, and they're still coming. Henry got killed, and they're still coming. Wherever they come from, they'll never run out.
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[Everyone has just come out of a long OR session]
Hot Lips: [angrily] You're dismissed.
Hawkeye: Thanks, Mom. We've gotta get up early, anyway, and work on MacArthur's hernia.
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[Charles is the only one who can give the appropriate blood]
Hawkeye: Charles, lie down and start bleeding.
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[Col. Potter and Hawkeye are preparing to venture close to enemy territory]
Col. Potter: That thing loaded?
B.J.: Filled it with water myself.
Hawkeye: Watch out, everyone, I shoot to drown.
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Col. Potter: If Frank Burns makes any more patronizing cracks about my age, I'll take him behind the motor pool and let the air out of his tires.
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Corporal Klinger: Colonel Potter, sir; Corporal Klinger. I'm section eight, Head to toe. I'm wearing a Warner bra. I like to play with dolls. My last wish is to be buried in my mother's wedding gown. I'm nuts. I should be out.
Col. Potter: Horse-hockey!
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[Hawkeye is the temporary CO.]
Hawkeye: I don't know how to give orders!
Col. Potter: That's all right. No one around here knows how to take 'em.
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[Discussing Trapper's opponent in a boxing tournament.]
Radar: A guy told me that he was crossing the road, and this jeep came too close to him. He punched it.
Trapper: He punched a jeep?
Radar: He knocked it out.
Trapper: Hawkeye, this guy knocks out jeeps!
Hawkeye: Showboat.
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Henry Blake: Frank, whatever it is, just write it down and put it on my desk where I can't find it.
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Radar: Sir, there's someone waiting to see you.
Henry Blake: I was born with someone waiting to see me.
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Henry Blake: Radar, turn on the news. Maybe the war just ended and I won't have to talk to her.
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[A chopper is carrying Lt. Col. Blake's desk away.]
Hawkeye: Pardon me, Henry, isn't that your desk?
Henry Blake: Yeah, that's my genuine antique desk.
Trapper: Sending it out to be waxed?
Henry Blake: I'm not sure what it's doing up there. Just keeps going up...up...up...
Hawkeye: To a far, far better place, I'm sure.
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[Someone outside the Swamp is shooting]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'm not going out there without a bulletproof couch.